Amy Johnson, PhD - Psychologist. Life Coach.

Release the Pressure by Telling the Truth

I experienced something really, really cool this weekend. How to release the pressure and watch your painful story disintegrate before your eyes.

 

The way you “release the pressure” is to Tell the Truth.

 

It was Saturday, my family and I had just returned home from a typical afternoon: took baby to one of the Chicago street festivals, listened to some music, had lunch, pushed baby on the swing at the park, stopped at Target on the way home. I love days like this.

 

We had been home for about an hour. The TV was on (this is one of my triggers…I’ll blog about triggers someday soon).  Baby was being hyper, crawling all over me and hubby on the couch. Hubby watched baby with one eye and TV with the other. I watched baby with one eye and started feeling BORED.

 

I’m sitting with my family, I just had a really fun afternoon so it’s not like we’d been sitting there all day, I have the most adorable baby in the world who I really, really wanted and went through hell to have, and I’m bored.

 

I want the baby to go to sleep so I can leave, go do something. Or I want to write, or read a book, or work on my website, or brainstorm a new telecourse, or clean something. All things I can’t do with a hyper baby. And the baby’s not about to sleep.

 

I’m not happy and that’s so, so Wrong. The mental dialogue starts:

 

I’m not the mom-type.

I have no patience.

What the hell is wrong with me that I’d rather read a book than play with my baby?

My husband is a frickin’ saint.

He’s so patient, so content, so in the moment, so much better than me.

Way better than me.

No wonder the baby loves him more.

Man, I suck.

I’m so selfish.

I’m a terrible mother.

There is a right and a wrong way to be happy and what would make me happy now is Wrong.

 

None of these thoughts were new, which only made them feel more true. Familiar = feels more true.

 

But…the way I handled them was brand new. Instead of noticing them and trying to do my own work on them (this is part of my thing, I have to do it all alone, don’t ask for help, don’t drag innocent hubby into my stuff)..instead of keeping them in, I let them out.

 

I told hubby exactly what I was thinking. I cried. I told him how I had expected motherhood to change me, how I thought I’d want to spend every second watching her and how reading or writing or any of the things I used to love would just pale in comparison. I told him how I secretly wanted her to sleep so that I could do my own selfish things again.

 

He laughed the nicest laugh I’ve ever heard and explained that I was crazy, but not in the straight-jacket kind of way I was thinking. I won’t go into it all, but he really is a frickin’ saint.

 

The point is, a really, really cool and interesting thing happened. I felt SO much better after I let out my truth, but that’s not it. The interesting thing is that for the rest of that day, and for all of Sunday, I truly and honestly wanted nothing more than to chase my little girl around the house and listen to her babble.

 

And my husband took a break from the baby and raved about how patient I was. He offered me a break and I turned it down. I really didn’t even want it.

 

When I Told the Truth, I released the pressure. My story went away. It was like saying it out loud freed it from the prison of my mind.

 

I didn’t experience the boredom any more. Like my resistance to it was making it so much huger than it really was.

 

And the shame wasn’t there. Well, not as much.

 

I know the boredom will probably come back but I think that’s okay now. I don’t think the shame will come back---not as much, anyway.

Mantras and affirmations and cake, oh my!

When I gave birth to my daughter, I was all hippie-ish about it. Because I knew that my body would function perfectly the less I interfered, I wanted a natural, intervention-free experience.

 

One of the books I read during my pregnancy was Ina May’s Spiritual Midwifery. It’s full of stories of women who lived on a commune in the 70s. The illustrations showed women who didn’t shave, sang to their fetuses, and had orgasms while they gave birth. I loved everything about it.

 

I can’t remember if it was there or in a book called Birthing from Within, but one of the stories was about writing a birth mantra. Basically, setting up the way your birth will go before it actually happens (it’s called pre-paving in deliberate creation work).

 

The woman in the book who was terrified of a long labor wrote a mantra about baking a cake: “I’ll only be in labor as long as it takes to make, bake, cool, and frost a chocolate cake.” Her doula came over and actually began baking when her labor started and her baby was born within an hour or so of the cake being frosted.

 

I’ve kept a pray rain journal for a long time. This is where I write things I want as if they’ve already happened, so this idea was very natural to me. So I set out to write my birth mantra.

 

The way I rationalized what I was about to go through (every pregnant woman has her own version of this rationalization) was that it was going to be one hard day but when it was over it would be over and it’d instantly be all worth it. Of course I had no idea if this was true, but it made me feel better to believe it. 

I kept thinking, “It’s just one day out of my life”, which somehow turned into, “It’s just another day at work”.  Okay, so it didn’t rhyme and I didn’t get a chocolate cake out of it, but “just another day at work” seemed right to me. I was going to go in, do what needed to be done, and go home. With a really nice bonus. It fit (which is interesting in itself because I don’t view my days at “work” like that at all, but most of my clients and friends do. Another example of beliefs that aren’t even ours showing up as if they are).

 

For the last few months of my pregnancy I incorporated, “It’s just another day at work” into my nightly meditation. I repeated my mantra as I fell asleep, as I walked down the street, as I scrubbed the baseboards in my house right before going into labor (That nesting thing? It’s real.) 

 

And although I technically started having contractions around midnight, they were easy and exciting. Fun, even. I showered through them, watched infomercials through them, let my husband sleep through them. Until around 8:30am when we headed to the hospital. That’s when the “work” started. And wouldn’t you know it—my daughter was born at 5:14pm. Just about the length of the average work day.

 

You may disagree. You may be skeptical and that’s totally fine. But I believe that my mantra programmed by body. How else does our body know what to do than by listening our mind, anyway? This is true in the most basic medical sense.

 

What mantras or affirmation can you incorporate? Pre-paving the way is one of the ways we get to have a say in what our life looks like. Prime your subconscious pump to create what you want rather than struggling to deal with what you get by default.

 

Off to write another mantra. And I’m going to make this one rhyme and maybe even figure out how to get a chocolate cake out of the deal. It’s a lot more fun that way. 

Questions about Complaining

I’m excited to see so many of you jumping into the no-complaint zone! Here are a couple questions people have asked about complaining. And one that I made up because I wanted to address it. Hey, at least I’m honest about it.

 

Q: Sometimes complaining is fun—do I have to stop?

 

You never have to do anything you don’t want to do. Obviously. That aside, your question is about complaining being fun. I have two answers to this:

 

Easy answer: If it truly feels good in your body, it’s probably not really complaining. Stating your preference or asking for something to be different than it is can be done in a complaining way or a non-complaining way. You can ask your kids to pick up their toys, or you can go on a 5 minute rant about how they never pick up after themselves. You know the difference.

 

Saying, “That guy is one shitty driver!” (as I often do, with a smile and laugh) is also not complaining. If you’re mad about it = complaining. If you’re amused by it = not complaining.

 

Coach-y answer: Ask yourself, “What’s fun about it?” Is it that you are forming a bond with other complainers? If so, maybe there are healthier ways to connect with others that would benefit you more. Is it that you have an outlet for your frustration? Then having an outlet is what feels good, not the complaining.

 

Q: If focusing on negative stuff feels so bad, why is it so hard to stop?

 

Well, that’s a paradox of life. “Bad” is often familiar or safe, and that sometimes wins out over good. Complaining is also a habit and habits can be difficult to change. Imagine that every time you complain your brain fires off a specific combination of neurons. Over time, those neurons are aimed and ready to go…the trigger gets really loose and before you know it, you’re complaining again.

 

However…habits are changed every day. Every time you consciously shift away from a focus on the negative, you change the mental pattern. The most important determinant of whether you’ll succeed in changing your habits is whether or not you give up. DON’T GIVE UP. We usually give up RIGHT before the new habit takes hold.

 

Q: If I stop complaining, isn’t that just blindly accepting things as they are? How can I get what I want, stand up for myself, express my opinion, etc. if I don’t complain?

 

Oooh, I love this question. It’s almost as if I wrote it myself.

 

As I mentioned above, stating your desires or preferences is not the same thing as complaining. Not even close. If you are unsure, it’s probably complaining. But check in with how it feels in your body to know for sure.

 

Instead of complaining in order to create change, how about making requests? So, rather than, “I don’t like how you let the sushi rice get so soggy that it floats in our soy sauce”, try, “I would love it if you’d minimize the time your sushi is in the sauce. Or grab your own soy sauce dish. Thanks!” Rather than, “My job sucks!”, try, “Dear boss, could we work on changing my tasks to something that suits me better?”

 

You go, non-complainers!

 

Complaining and YOU

In the last post about being complaint-free, I mentioned that it was pretty easy for me with one small exception. Here it is.

 

I’m pretty good at not complaining about other people or circumstances. Yes, I feel frustration at circumstances and notice unflattering things about others, but when I notice those thoughts I do my best to not engage with them. I don’t invite them out to play. (Although this may seem “nice”, it’s purely selfish. Remember, the whole guiding principle here is me feeling good). Instead of interacting with those thoughts, saying them aloud, or sharing them with others, I just try shift to something else.

 

But where I really continue to do my work is in self-criticism.

 

Of course, self-criticism is part of the Complaint-Free Contract. The reason I’m not so great at this piece is not because I don’t love or accept myself. I do.

 

It’s not because I’m a perfectionist (although I am, but in recovery) or because I hold myself to unreasonably high standards.

 

I’m actually not sure why it was so much easier for me to cut out criticizing others than to cut out criticizing myself. But I’ve seen this tendency in clients too, and I have a couple theories:

 

1) Fear of letting ourselves off the hook

    

We tend to think that if we stop noticing what’s wrong, it’ll get out of hand. Like monitoring our flaws helps keep them in check. Like constantly noting our faults motivates us to be better. Hmm, think about that one. Cutting ourselves down is motivating. Right.

   

This is diet mentality (in case y’all don’t know, strict diets don’t work, people. They make you gain weight and hate yourself. But that’s for another time…). Anyway, diet mentality is thinking you must be very, very mean and very, very strict with yourself to get what you want. No pain, no gain and all that B.S. When it’s suggested that you eat whatever you want without deprivation people say, “if I did that I’d eat nothing but ice cream and nachos and I’d be as big as a house”. No, you wouldn’t. It’s been studied dozens of times and you wouldn’t do it. Even 5 year olds don’t do it for more than a day or two. Because it doesn’t feel good.

   

If we totally accept ourselves as we are, then what? What if you totally accepted yourself exactly as you are? Think about it and look at what issues and fears come up for you. It’s triggering years of blog material for me…

   

2) Our brand of self-criticism is a welcome distraction from the bigger stuff

 

Chances are, we aren’t constantly focusing on our huge, darkest fears about ourselves (e.g., am I a horrible person? a terrible mother? Am I going to end up a bag lady? etc.). Most of us just aren’t that masochistic. Instead we’re focused on how we have flabby arms or don’t have the right job title at work—enough to make us feel bad, but relatively minor in the big picture. Could focusing on our little flaws be a convenient way to avoid facing our real fears?

 

Martha Beck once wrote an article about how we each have a “designated issue”. It’s the one thing that seems to stick around forever no matter how much personal development work we do. Some people just always have money issues. For others, relationships are their sticking point. For a lot of people it’s their weight. Our designated issue is something that sucks, but not as bad as what it’s covering for. Although we think we want it “solved”, if it were to go away forever we’d be forced to face what’s underneath. Not pretty.

 

Do you find it easier to stop complaining about others than to stop complaining about yourself? Send me your theories; I’d love to hear them.

How I stopped complaining

My own coach has asked me to sign her Complaint-Free Contract. I’ve pledged to not complain, criticize, gossip, or whine for 49 days. I’m on day 12.

 

How does that sound to you? No problem? Or mission impossible?

 

For the most part, not complaining has been pretty easy (except for one loophole, which I’ll address in a later post). Easy or not, the practice has brought to the surface a lot of interesting stuff I plan to blog about in the coming weeks.

 

Today I’d like to share a few ways that I got to this place of finding it natural to not complain. If you’re still holding regular bitch-fests, I think this could be helpful to you.

 

Before I do that though, I have to acknowledge that one of my issues is totally coming up. Since the whole point of this blog is for you to find your own peace through my thoughts, shitty experiences, and issues, I’m going to let you in on the whole messy process here. If you just want to get to the meat of how to easily not complain, feel free to skip the next three paragraphs.

 

One of my big issues is about looking snobby or sounding like I’m bragging. This goes back to the school bus and some oh-so-cool Jordache jeans in the mid 80’s, but that’s a story for another time. Actually, it probably goes back further than that. I was raised with the Who-Do-You-Think-You-Are mentality that many of you probably know. Something about getting too big for your britches…the fact that no one under the age of 100 says britches should prove that this is one of those beliefs blindly passed down through the ages, never examined or questioned or chosen. As if it’s a bad thing to know that you’re wonderful. I’m getting off track…

 

And there’s a lot more to my issue, because there always is. Being too confident, or too educated, too different than everyone else, too “big” in any way = I'm-a-snob = not good at all.

 

So anyway, this is triggering a fear of sounding holier than thou. And by thou, I mean you. I’m not holier than you. We’re all equally holy by virtue of being human, I’ve just experienced some things you may not have and vice versa. Okay, end of diversion.

 

Back to the topic: How did it come to be relatively easy for me to not complain?

 

A few things to keep in mind:

 

1. It hasn’t always been this way. Like many of you, I come from a family where complaining is a form of bonding and our primary mode of communication. Look for this in your own family, especially with older generations. Does the conversation naturally go to what’s wrong—who’s out of work, which politicians are most crooked, how many people were murdered yesterday (well, I’m from Detroit). Do you find unity in discussing how the world is going to hell in a hand-basket? (End of old-school clichés, promise). Point is, I am no born Pollyanna. Far, far from it.

 

2. I signed this particular contract 12 days ago but I’ve actually been working on this stuff for a while. About 3 years. It’s been a process. If this is new to you and something you might like to practice, keep that in mind. It can change your life very quickly, but it can be a while before it feels easy or natural. Rewiring your brain takes time.

 

3. Just because I don’t complain or criticize much doesn’t mean that I’m always happy. I have my issues. If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this. Yeah, I’m still worried about the snobby thing. I'm working on it.

 

A few years ago I consciously chose to shift away from focusing on what I didn’t want and what didn’t feel good. I didn’t even think about shifting to what does feel good, I just started with moving away from what felt crappy. You’d think this would be natural. Not so much. It meant a lot of changes; some small, some big. Here are a few, in that order:

 

1. No more watching the news or following politics. I’m ridiculously out of touch with current events. It just doesn’t feel good to pay attention and feeling good is the guiding principle. I can’t believe how low my tolerance is now. When I accidentally catch part of The Today Show (waiting for local weather), it’s enough to put me into a major depression.
2. I avoid Women’s or gossip magazines/websites and can’t believe I used to read that stuff. The Women’s mags are the worst—you know the kind, with 100 ways to lose 10 lbs this week and 101 ways to be better in bed. I never realized how shitty they made me feel about myself until I completely cut them out.
3. I don’t watch movies or television shows that are depressing or violent. Do what you want, but I realized that for me, it just doesn’t feel good to watch people being hurt.  
4. I stay away from negative people. This makes me look extremely rude when I smile and walk away mid-sentence, which I definitely do. I had to face the fact that I’d rather be rude and happy than polite and miserable. And it definitely puts a strain on the fitting in thing. By refusing to talk about negative things there are a lot of people I don’t fit in with. I’ve ended friendships and have had to do my own work around the fear of ending up alone. But I'm not going to be miserable just for the sake of being like everyone else.
5. Most of all, I monitor the hell out of my thoughts and emotions. I am AWARE and being aware sucks sometimes. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s the first necessary step toward change. When I notice that I feel bad, I look for the cause. If it’s not easy to find, I just move all over until I hit a spot that feels better. It looks kind of like avoiding a swarm of bees.

These changes were very personal and based on avoiding what made me feel bad. If following celebrity gossip feels good to you, by all means keep doing it. But don’t just assume it feels good if you've never questioned it. Become aware of what’s going on in your body when you hear it. Get scientific about it and really study your thoughts and emotions afterward. Then consciously decide for yourself how it makes you feel.

 

What has been the impact of these changes? I feel a lot better. Obvious, but worth stating.

I rarely launch into complaint or criticism and when I do, it doesn’t happen without my consent. In other words, when I do it I am aware—I know I’m doing it and I can chose to either shift away from the negative or keep going with it, but it’s my choice.

 

People don’t really complain to me anymore. They caught on pretty quickly that I’m just not interested in those conversations.

 

By feeling better and focusing on what I want, I’ve experienced much more of what I want in my life. I’ve created some pretty cool things, actually.

 

In many ways I don’t even recognize myself from 3 years ago. In other ways, I’m very much a work in progress and can easily get down on myself for still struggling with some of the same issues. There’s no final destination.  

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences with complaining, trying not to complain, changes you’ve made to shift away from negativity, snobbery, or Jordache jeans. If you’re interested in trying out the Complaint-Free Contract, let me know and I’ll send you a copy of Christine’s that you can print and sign yourself.

What a mess!

I have serious issues with clutter. I hate it; makes me feel icky. When I’m visiting someone who has a lot of stuff—and that stuff is out where I have to see it—I get claustrophobic and start looking for the door.

I’m talking about physical stuff, like those old plastic cups that came from the gas station, or mail, or old magazines.

 

I’m also talking about mental stuff, like rigid beliefs or habitual thoughts that go unquestioned and by default become “truth”.

 

And also emotional stuff, like anger, fear, or resentment. Someone you’re not forgiving or someone you’re still judging? That’s emotional clutter.

 

Physical, psychological…clutter is clutter. I’d even go as far as saying it’s impossible to have lots of physical clutter without also having lots of psychological clutter. Insert clichés: The way we do one thing is the way we do everything; The state of your exterior reflects the state of your interior. (Although I do think it’s possible to have some psychological clutter with very little physical clutter. Those people are usually control freaks when it comes to physical clutter which is a dead giveaway to their fear of psychological clutter. For example, me). 

 

At any rate, when there’s too much stuff, there’s no room for new and improved. You can’t get a new mattress when the bed’s covered in crap. Profound, I know. You also aren’t going to have many creative insights or epiphanies or experience new emotions when your mind is covered in crap.

Or as they might say in Feng Shui (is that an official language?), clutter blocks the energy. There’s no more flow, just a logjam of old, useless stuff holding you back and not allowing you to receive more—or better—or both.

 

Giving physical stuff away makes me feel mentally and emotionally clean—it’s basically a cheap and easy form of therapy. Of course, the most effective form of psychological purging (most effective = hardest) is by showing up and working through your personal crap. But since they’re all related, purging in one area bleeds over into the others.

 

So if you’re stuck on where to start with your issues or you’re just too tired to tackle that monster today, purge some physical stuff. Take a garbage bag or a dump-truck to Good Will and notice what happens, what that makes room for. A new client, unexpected money, a really freaky happy feeling for the rest of the weekend?

 

In my experience, every time I de-clutter I allow for more and better. And it feels really good to not have the old stuff hanging out where it doesn’t belong.

The Relationship Manual

I often talk to clients who are furious over how someone has treated them. They assume the other person should have known better. For example, a girl complains that her boyfriend didn’t have her favorite wine on hand for their anniversary dinner (although she never mentioned wanting it), or that her girlfriends should’ve known she’d need to spend the entire girls-night-out venting about her boss.

 

I ask in sarcasm, “Did you forget to give them the manual?”

 

“What are you talking about?” she replies, getting a little snippy.

 

“Well, it sounds like you expect people to know what you want and how you want to be treated. There must be some kind of instruction manual you’ve written and shared. Maybe they just haven’t read it yet.”

 

I once had a person write into my relationship advice column wanting to know what she should do about the guy she’d been dating. It seems that he didn’t want to pick her up for their dates. The first few dates they met at the restaurant or the movie theater or wherever they were going. She drove on their fourth date (she offered to drive, mind you, and he simply accepted), and he came to her house for dinner on their fifth date. So, in five dates he hadn’t picked her up and driven her anywhere. Her conclusion? He was obviously extremely rude and not a gentleman at all. On top of that, he wasn’t putting any effort into the dates or into impressing her, which clearly meant that he wasn’t interested in her anyway. Clearly. She wrote to me not for clarification or for an outside perspective on his behavior, but to ask how she should dump him.  Should she just dump him outright or should she confront him on all of these terrible things he did first, and then dump him?

 

I suggested that maybe he liked her so much that he was embarrassed that he didn’t have a nicer car. Or maybe he wanted to be so respectful of her that he thought meeting for their first few dates was the thing to do. Or maybe he didn’t want to drive for whatever reason, but he was still a wonderful person who she might go on to have a loving long-term relationship with if she could just move past her own rigid judgments. None of these options had ever occurred to her. She was absolutely positive that her read of this guy was spot on. Apparently, he never read her manual either.

 

The moral of these stories: Don’t assume that people know what you want if you haven’t explicitly told them. And even when you have explicitly told them, don’t assume that heard you the way you meant to be heard. Communicate if you have doubts. Clarify, ask for what you want, and elaborate on what you want. Needing to ask for what you want doesn’t mean that the other person isn’t a match because they “should have known”. They shouldn’t have known, ever. Cut them some slack and don’t expect them to read your mind. Or your manual. 

 

 

--I originally heard the term "Relationship Manual" talked about in this way from Brooke Castillo. Not sure if it's her idea or if she heard it somewhere too, but it felt right to credit her and to send you to her blog. It's really good.

Can you embrace feeling like sh*%t?

Where did we get the belief that we’re supposed to always feel good?

 

We’re not. Feeling like shit once in a while makes our life so much better. It provides contrast. It shows us what we don’t want and motivates us to find what we do want.

 

In nature there is chaos before clarity. The caterpillar dissolves into goo before it becomes a butterfly; the violent storm is followed by an almost eerie peace. The same is true for us.

 

If you’re feeling especially lost, directionless or uninspired, that means something better is coming.  In order to make a giant leap in your mindset or expand your identity, the old stuff has to come down. We have to walk through the Ring of Fire. It burns like hell, but sometimes you need to just burn the barn down and start over instead of trying to fix the walls that are made of rotting wood.

 

The interesting thing about this whole burning down and starting over process is that it can be really painful if you let it, but it doesn’t have to be. If you recognize it for what it is and know that it’s leading you closer to the Promised Land, it’s not so bad. It’s still not comfortable, but not quite as scary.

 

Shifting perspectives is tiring emotional work. When people start making major changes in the way they see the world and what they believe, they very often feel physically tired. Sometimes they feel like shit. That’s an excellent sign.

 

Retreat. Rest. Let yourself feel like shit and don’t try to rush out of it or tell a story about it. Just hold on tight and know that even as your identify bursts into flames around you, the next step is rebuilding the barn. And the next step after that is having a big barn dance to celebrate how much better the new barn is.

Three Steps to CREATE your Life

I could coach you so that you can better deal with the life you have. I do that for a lot of people. They react to “stuff” in their environment and their reactions give them the life they have.  When we go through life reacting, we get a life by default.

 

Or, I could coach you to create the life you want. Instead of reacting, you get proactive. You call the shots and you end up with a life by design, not by default.

 

I’d much rather do the latter.  The good news is, it’s easier than you think. The bad news…it’s not going to feel as comfortable or familiar as simply reacting. But comfort is overrated.  If you can just put a few new habits into practice, you’re there.  

 

Here are 3 Steps to Creating the Life of your Design:

 

Step #1: NOTICE your patterns and habits

   

What are you thinking? That may seem like a strange question, but we rarely take the time to really notice. Instead, we tend to run on autopilot, never really checking in with our thoughts.

 

For one hour today, pay close attention to the thoughts that run through your head. Practice being the objective observer of your thoughts and just notice—without judgment—the content of your mind.

 

Are you surprised?   

 

Notice how you talk to yourself. Would you talk to a child the way you talk to yourself?

 

What do you pay attention to and focus on? Things that make you feel good or things you want to fix; things that are wrong or make you feel badly?

 

When you notice negative emotion, try to pin down the thoughts you were thinking immediately preceding that emotion. Remember to observe the thoughts objectively, without judgment. Were you thinking you look fat in those jeans? That you have a million things to do today and you’ll never get it all done? Interesting. When we really notice the thoughts, the emotions make a lot of sense. 

 

Noticing our automatic, habitual thoughts and emotions is the first step to Creating the life we want.

 

 # 2: SHIFT from bad to good

 

You can’t always instantly banish negative thoughts, but you don’t have to engage with them either. What do I mean by “engage” with a thought? Let it linger, unquestioned. Repeat it. Elaborate on it. Believe it. Let it come out and play.

 

When you notice that your thoughts aren’t serving you or that you feel negative emotion in your body, consciously shift your attention. 

 

People don’t realize that it’s often this easy. They think that once the negative thought or emotion has a hold on them, they are powerless. They are not. You are not. Thoughts can run through your head but you don’t have to engage with them.

 

Try to shift your attention to what feels good because there is nothing more important in Creating the life you want than feeling good. Nothing.

 

 # 3: CHOOSE what you want to Create and revel in it

 

This might sound overly simplistic. You may be doubtful, wondering, “Can I really just choose what I want and that begins the process of creating it in my life?”

 

How else would it happen?

 

Or you may be hitting the brick wall of resistance.

 

Resistance is a given. Expect it. Your mind may start in with, “you’ll never have that great of a life”, “you don’t deserve it”, “you don’t even know how to get there”.

 

But these obstacles are just mind chatter and mind chatter has no objective truth.

 

Go back to Step 1 and notice the resistant thoughts without judgment. Then go back to Step 2 and shift away from the thoughts. Each and every time. It takes practice and it takes a willingness to not give up. Luckily, that’s all it takes.

 

Get very clear on what it is that you want to Create and spend as much time there as you can. Focus on how it will look, feel, and sound.  When you’re living that life, what will you have? What emotions will you experience, what will it feel like? What will people say to you and what will you say to yourself?

 

Be in the feeling of it.  Keep your sights on what it is you are Creating with unwavering focus.

 

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My Body and My Money, continued

Part II: My money

 

The question on the table is: Have you ever achieved some goal or got something you really wanted and not even noticed?

 

I have. Here’s another example.

 

As I mentioned in a previous post, my husband recently left his out-of -the-house job and is staying home with our daughter. Long before we were ready for kids, we’d been kind of creating this vision of him staying home with our future children while I worked from home so that we could all spend more time together. He has the patience of a Buddhist monk, loves doing things around the house, and hasn’t yet found a career that he’s passionate about. I, on the other hand, have the patience of a hyperactive puppy, feel trapped when I don’t leave the house in 24 hours, and have a career that I’m so in love with that I’d find a way to do it even if I weren’t getting paid. Most important, we both got really excited when we fantasized about this future vision so it was clearly right.

 

Stuck in my story about this vision, I thought it was still out in the future somewhere. As it turns out, when I originally started creating this vision with him I set an (arbitrary) income level in my head. I thought, “for this to work stress-free, with the lifestyle we want, I’d need to be making $X per year.” 

 

I can tell you, I make no where near what I thought we needed. The thing is, somewhere along the line I totally forgot that I had just made up this arbitrary figure. This figure became a “fact” and was integrated into my story of how our vision would come to pass. Making it to that income level was the means I thought we needed for the end we wanted. It wasn’t until I sat down and consciously evaluated our values and the limiting beliefs I held that I realized the random income level was totally illogical and my belief was completely not true. Here we were, at the doorstep of the life we’d created, and I thought the door was locked shut.

 

When I started to dissolve my beliefs around this issue I realized that I was holding the key to that locked door all along. So I had what I wanted and didn’t even notice because I forgot that I made up the conditions to begin with.

 

What rules or conditions are holding you back? When you examine them with an open mind, is it possible that you’re forgetting that the rules were arbitrarily made up by you?